The Two Waves of Belonging: From Self to Others in ADHD Community
Belonging doesn’t happen all at once.
For women with ADHD, whose nervous systems have been shaped by years of micro-rejections and misunderstanding, feeling like “we belong” becomes part of our lifelong journey to acceptance.
In my 20 years of knowing that I have ADHD, I have always been eager to feel truly seen and appreciated for who I am. I spent a lot of energy and effort into having people like me, but I never felt quite included until I realised this:
Belonging is more like a rhythm — two waves that move through us.
The first wave: a sense of belonging to ourselves.
The second wave: a sense of belonging to others.
Both are essential. But the order matters. Without first rooting in self-belonging, connecting with others can feel unsafe, overwhelming, or impossible to sustain. Of course, they are intertwined and interdependent; however, having a solid sense of self-belonging can help us feel more resilient in the face of rejection sensitivity.
The two waves of belonging flow into each other: belonging is pendulum movement between yourself and the world around you. Back and forth – back and forth. We need both.
Why Self-Belonging Comes First
If you’ve lived through ADHD paralysis, you know the helplessness of feeling stuck, frozen, unable to move forward.
If you’ve experienced the tunnel vision of hyperfocus or the intensity of hyperfixation, you know how easy it is to lose yourself in tasks, projects, or even people.
If you have doubted your very existence, you know how much your self-esteem and sense of self-worth have suffered due to feeling othered over the years.
Self-belonging is the practice of coming home to your own body and rhythms. It’s saying:
I can notice my needs without shaming them.
I can pause even when the world demands I rush.
I can belong to myself before I try to belong anywhere else.
I can see myself truly.
I can – from moment to moment – that I belong to essence of everything that exists in this universe.
When we learn to anchor in our own presence, the ground beneath us steadies. From here, belonging to others becomes possible.
The Second Wave: Belonging to Others
Human beings are wired for connection. But for ADHD women who’ve been told to “tone it down” or “try harder,” relationships can be a source of both longing and fear.
Belonging to others is not about fitting in. And it’s not about someone else possessing us. It’s about being met where we are — with our intensity, our creativity, our sensitivity — and knowing we don’t have to mask to be accepted.
Belonging to others describes the idea of feeling truly connected to others, be that people, societies or nature.
This kind of belonging grows slowly, like trust. It often looks like:
A friend who doesn’t question why you cancelled plans to rest.
A partner who celebrates your bursts of energy instead of criticising them.
A group where silence is welcomed as presence, not judged as absence.
When connection is safe, we no longer need to contort ourselves to be loved.
Why the Two Waves Matter Together
If we skip self-belonging, our relationships risk being built on performance — a mask we wear to earn approval. Feeling a sense of belonging within yourself is the foundation that liberates you from trying to seek constant approval.
You are worthy and totally brilliant the way you are. Yes, you’re not perfect, but – if it helps – you have my official permission to be imperfect
If we stop at self-belonging, we risk isolation — strong within ourselves, but cut off from the nourishment of shared life.
The two waves support each other:
Belonging to self roots us in authenticity.
Belonging to others expands us into community.
Together, they create a rhythm of resilience.
From Survival to Shared Presence
When our nervous system is regulated enough to let both waves move, belonging shifts from theory to lived experience. We move from:
Isolation to integration
Masking to authenticity
Survival to shared presence
This is what community can look like for ADHD women: spaces where our full selves are welcomed, and where the nervous system can rest instead of brace.
A Gentle Practice: Two Waves Check-In
Before entering a social space, pause for a two-step reflection:
Self-belonging: Place a hand on your body and ask, What do I need right now to feel steady?
Other-belonging: When with others, notice, Where do I feel safe connection in this moment?
Focus on the positives here, and don’t dwell on the things that are still “work in progress”. Connecting with others can be very scary if your life has taught you that connection is dangerous.
Closing the Series:
Belonging, for ADHD women, is not about fixing or conforming.
It’s about remembering we are part of the whole — in our bodies, in our relationships, and in the living web of community.
Related:
Read Part 1: Belonging and ADHD — Why You Have Always Been Part of the Story →
Read Part 2: Why Belonging Heals the Secondary Wounds of ADHD →
Read Part 3: From Head to Body: Reclaiming Presence in an ADHD World →
Explore the Be(long)ing Retreat concept in my Vital Psychedelic Training final project paper →
Explore the visual Be(long)ing Retreat Concept (presentation) →
For many women with ADHD, the question of belonging runs deep.
Years of masking, micro-rejections, and feeling “too much” or “not enough” can leave us believing that acceptance is conditional.