Belonging and ADHD: Why You Have Always Been Part of the Story
For many women with ADHD, the question of belonging runs deep.
Years of masking, micro-rejections, and feeling “too much” or “not enough” can leave us believing that acceptance is conditional.
You belong if you can sit still.
You belong if you can focus the “right” way.
You belong if your enthusiasm comes in neat, measured doses.
Anything outside that narrow comfort zone risks being labeled “too much,” “too little,” or somehow both at once.
The result? A lifetime of subtle and not-so-subtle othering. Of shaping ourselves to fit, sanding down the edges until we barely recognise our own outline. Sometimes, we get so used to translating ourselves into a more palatable version that we forget what our unedited voice even sounds like.
But here’s the truth: belonging is not something we earn by erasing ourselves. It is not a prize for performance. Belonging, in its truest form, is a birthright.
As Kim Samuel writes:
“Belonging goes beyond connection to others—it’s being rooted in place, purpose, and power.”
Belonging Is Not the Same as Fitting In
Fitting in asks you to change so you can be accepted.
Belonging invites you to show up as you are—and reminds you that you’ve always been part of the whole.
What Belonging Means for Women with ADHD
When I began shaping the Be(long)ing retreat, a definition landed in my body and stayed:
„Belonging is saying yes, from moment to moment, to the fact that we are inherently part of the natural world.“
For me, it collapses the imagined distance between being and belonging. Both are invitations into presence. Both remind us we are already woven into the living fabric of this planet—whether we feel it today or not.
Brian Stout describes belonging as “a felt sense in our bodies of safety, power, wholeness, and welcome.”
This is the essence I work with: belonging as something you feel in your cells, not just understand with your mind.
And as Carl Rogers’ humanistic approach reminds us, belonging is not about proximity or shared space—it is about the subjective experience of being seen, valued, and accepted without needing to hide or mask.
Two Strands of Belonging: Self and Others
In my work, belonging unfolds through two living threads:
1. Belonging to Self
Coming home to your own body. Trusting your rhythms. Hearing the quieter signals beneath the noise.
For women with ADHD, this can mean learning to:
Notice hunger before it turns into exhaustion.
Recognise overstimulation before it tips into shutdown.
Honour your need for spaciousness in a world that demands speed.
It’s the quiet courage of saying, “I will move at my pace,” even when the world wants you to speed up or slow down.
For some women with ADHD, a week might swing from the standstill of adhd paralysis to the whirlwind of hyperfocus on a new interest. Both states can pull us out of connection with our bodies — and both can make belonging feel far away.
2. Belonging to Others
Entering relationships that feel safe, mutual, and nourishing—without performing to be accepted.
This could be:
A friend who doesn’t flinch at your idea-storming.
A partner who celebrates your sensitivity instead of criticising it.
A group where silence is understood as presence, not absence.
The Two-Wave Model of Belonging
The Be(long)ing retreat moves in two waves:
Wave 1: Belonging to self—grounding in your body, meeting your own needs.
Wave 2: Belonging to others—building safe, regulated connection.
Learn more about the retreat here →
These threads are interdependent. When we root in ourselves, we meet others from a grounded place. When others meet us with genuine welcome, it becomes easier to relax back into ourselves.
Baumeister and Leary, whose research placed belonging among our most fundamental human needs, put it plainly: without it, we wither. For many neurodivergent women, this need is no less essential—but much harder to meet in a world built for other nervous systems.
Why Belonging Matters for ADHD Women
Belonging doesn’t “fix” ADHD—nor does ADHD need fixing. What it does is tend to the secondary wounds: the shame, self-doubt, and isolation that come from years of being told you are wrong for simply being.
When belonging is present—within ourselves, between each other, and in the larger web of life—our nervous systems exhale. Chronic tension loosens. Creativity and joy return.
As researcher Beth Hagerty wrote, belonging is:
“The experience of personal involvement in an environment such that one feels an integral part of that environment.”
For me, it’s that quiet knowing: I am not outside of life looking in. I am already part of it.
A Gentle Practice to Begin
Belonging is not a finish line—it is a practice.
If you want to begin today, try this:
Place your feet on the ground.
Close your eyes and take three slow breaths.
With each breath, say silently to yourself: I am part of this world. I am here. I belong.
Notice how your body responds—without judgment. This is the smallest seed of the practice: reminding your nervous system, over and over, that you are safe enough to be here.
Coming Next in the Series:
Why Belonging Heals the Secondary Wounds of ADHD →
We’ll explore how a lifetime of othering leaves emotional and nervous system scars—and how belonging is a powerful, embodied way to repair them.
Ready to unfold?
Get in touch with me or book your free initial consult to get to know me and explore coaching possibilities with me.
For many women with ADHD, the question of belonging runs deep.
Years of masking, micro-rejections, and feeling “too much” or “not enough” can leave us believing that acceptance is conditional.