Why Belonging Heals the Secondary Wounds of ADHD
For women with ADHD, the greatest challenges often aren’t the ADHD traits themselves.
They’re the secondary wounds—the scars left behind by a lifetime of being othered.
Years of micro-rejections, chronic stress, and masking teach us to brace for impact. We learn to scan rooms for safety cues, to overanalyse every interaction, to anticipate rejection before it happens. Over time, this hypervigilance wears grooves into our nervous system.
The result can look like ADHD paralysis—being so frozen by overwhelm or fear of failure that starting feels impossible. Or it might swing to the opposite extreme: the tunnel vision of hyperfocus or hyperfixation, where we lose track of time, needs, and connection because our attention has narrowed to a single point.
Neither state is “wrong”—both are nervous system adaptations to a world that hasn’t always felt safe to be fully ourselves. But living in these states long-term can leave us feeling disconnected, exhausted, and alone.
The Secondary Wounds of ADHD
While ADHD itself is simply a different neurotype – THAT. DOES. NOT. NEED. TO. BE. HEALED. (yes, I am shouting this!) – the way the world responds to it creates these deeper layers of hurt. Common secondary wounds include:
Shame and Low Self-Worth – Internalising the idea that you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
Chronic Self-Doubt – Questioning your instincts, creativity, and even your right to take up space.
Social Anxiety and Hypervigilance – Constantly scanning for cues that you’re being judged or excluded.
Nervous System Dysregulation – Living in a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, unable to access full rest or joy.
ADHD Doesn’t Need Curing—But Wounds Need Healing
ADHD traits like hyperfocus can be gifts. What needs care are the scars from living in a world that didn’t understand or accept them.
How Nervous System Regulation Creates the Conditions for Belonging
To truly belong — to ourselves or to others — our body must first feel safe enough to be present.
Without that foundation, even the most supportive relationships can feel like too much.
Body-led nervous system regulation offers that foundation by:
Creating Internal Safety – Grounding practices counter the freeze of ADHD paralysis, letting us approach connection from steadiness instead of shutdown.
Balancing Focus – By regulating before and during hyperfocus, we can stay aware of our needs and environment, preventing burnout and isolation.
Supporting Relational Presence – When our body feels safe, we can remain open and engaged with others without slipping into masking or withdrawal.
From Survival Mode to Connection Readiness
Regulation shifts us from constant survival mode into a state where belonging becomes possible:
We can hear our needs and trust them.
We can choose relationships that nurture rather than deplete us.
We can enter shared spaces without fear that we’ll have to hide our real selves.
In this way, regulation isn’t the byproduct of belonging — it’s the doorway into it.
Belonging as the Next Step
Once our nervous system is steadier, the two strands of belonging — to self and to others — can unfold more naturally:
Belonging to Self – Staying in connection with our own body signals and rhythms. And deeper layers of being.
Belonging to Others – Building relationships from a place of choice, presence, and mutual safety.
These connections are richer, more authentic, and more sustainable because they grow from a regulated foundation.
A Practice to Begin
Before your next social interaction — whether it’s with a friend, a group, or even a partner — try this:
Place your feet on the ground.
Inhale slowly to a count of four, then exhale to a count of six.
Notice three sensations in your body without changing them.
This simple check-in helps your body shift toward safety, making space for genuine presence in the moments that follow.
Coming Next in the Series:
From Head to Body: Reclaiming Presence in an ADHD World →
We’ll explore why ADHD so often leaves us “living in our heads” and how embodiment can bridge us back to grounded presence.
Related:
Read Part 1: Belonging and ADHD — Why You Have Always Been Part of the Story →
Explore the Be(long)ing Retreat concept in my Vital Psychedelic Training final project paper →
For many women with ADHD, the question of belonging runs deep.
Years of masking, micro-rejections, and feeling “too much” or “not enough” can leave us believing that acceptance is conditional.